Grief-love

 The best word I can define or write about the most is Grief. That's what i've felt for longest period in my life and had experienced the same. Grief is not sadness. It's not depression, it's not apathy. Profoundly we define it as, deep and poignant distress caused by or as if by bereavement.

 “Grief is love with nowhere to go”

I read some beautiful words that said, Grief is love souvenir. It's our proof that we once loved. Grief is the receipt we wave in the air that says to the world : Look! Love was once mine. I loved well. Here's my proff that I paid the price. 

I still wake up

With the things to

tell you

..

Grief is a circular staircase, it never ends. You look at it (sympathy) you find it deeply mesmerizing but when you feel it, you fall in it ; it's devastating. Like a new beginning of something which never ended. 

In Psychology, there are five stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. We move forward with every stage. 

’

When ocean vuong said ‘i miss you more than i remember you’and when sufjan stevens said‘and i' m sorry i left but it was for the best though it never felt right, my little versailles’ and when mitski said ‘and i say your name in hopes you’ll hear it in the stars’ and when japanese breakfast said ‘hell is finding someone to love and i cant see you again’ and when madeline miller said ‘and perhaps it is the greater grief, after all, to be left on earth when another is gone ’, this is when i fell harder because I know that I'm not the first feeling this, not even the last. It often choke me more when I think, people go through the same each day, everyday, new day, past days, deep dark days or even a happier day. It's the most felt feeling for me. 

‘

From my side, I was beautiful and young,

Grief, saw me and hugged me tight,

I am still beautiful but not young. 

But it's beautiful! The journey is beautiful and it been a long learning for me. As, Fyodor Dostoyevsky says,‘ it's the great mystery of human life that old grief passes gradually into quiet tender joy.’If you would keep your hand over your heart and remember the person you miss, it might become overwhelming but it's also being expressed. Sometimes we just miss miss miss or been lot grieving that we skip to express. That's why the old wisdom says, Express your emotions or it'll turn into a poison in your soul. 

Everybody has their grief language, their own timeline. You can't expect someone to be over it early or take more time. It's has it's own pace. Sometimes it doesn't even go. And that's okay. It took me five and half years to end this loop of grieving. Reality will always break your heart, it keep hopes alive whereas all rest of you dies. You wish, Come back. Even as a shadow, even as a dream. When I cried for the first time in years and meant it as more than a reflex, thoughtless as breathing, I laughed while I did it. Here, at least, was a suffering I could embrace. Here was a dark and loathsome soil from which I could pull out every weed, and make a harvest of something more than endless fields ripe for something like seeds.

My griving language was creating art, to watch anime, to ghost, silence, to stay on floor, to bleed even. Moon also helped me copeup. Moon is the proof of my existence I would say. Grief as a wound, i painted and it wasn't supposed to look beautiful because I was bleeding silently. It's a form of expression (grieving process or language). I expressed it my way, poet's express it their way... But you just need to express. 

You can't be grieving all the time. That's why life is a journey and we move with it. 

From my side, “ It's not gonna go away in blink,

Light, breathe, expression, it'll take 

days years or more, and it'll sink.

Good days bad days, you choose,

It won't go, it might become bruise;

But tell them, thank you for being.”

Reminder: Grief isn't linear. Recovery isn't linear. Even if it seems like you're back where you started, you aren't. Hang in there. Stars, moon and heaven up there. It'll be better soon.

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